good day, bad day.
I originally thought about calling this blog “good day/bad day,” and I’d simply categorize each day of my life as broadly good or bad. Hopefully, I might expound my daily conclusion, but at a minimum, I’d answer the question: was today a good day or a bad day?
However, I felt like there might be a pressure I’d place upon myself to ultimately conclude that most days are good. The same way we almost always tell people we’re doing fine when asked, even if we’re anything but. Perhaps that false positivity might even be a good thing, to always be trying to find the upside. But I felt like it would ring false, and I ultimately settled on it being easier to merely conclude that I was not dead with each post, and leave it at that.
If I were adhering to the original blog’s concept, though, I’d categorize today as a bad day. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so hard to be negative after all.
It’s not that anything was horrible today. As I take a step back, though, it’s just a lot of little negative strands that pulled together into a knot as the day went on, leaving me feeling rather depleted as I write these words in the final minutes before midnight.
I spoke to my mom for about an hour this morning. It was a rather difficult call at times, as we discussed her having to put her pet to sleep. I knew from contextual clues that it surely had happened already, but she never actually confirmed it with me until today. Turns out the deed was done over two weeks ago, so at least it wasn’t a totally open wound for her.
There was not much to say for comfort beyond truisms and platitudes. Her pet was handicapped from birth, she gave him an incredible life that he couldn’t have had without her (in fact, he surely wouldn’t have lived at all past infancy without her). She did so much for him. Yet, as time went on, it was obvious he was in increasing physical discomfort, and the physical demands were starting to be beyond what my mother could provide as well.
I felt a bit of guilt on that last point, that I am not there to help out. I was the only other person who knew how to care for him. She had taught me and only me. Though I only took on the duty for a short time a year ago, it also made me feel sadder about the news, as I had a connection with him. He was a good boy.
Even a year ago, though, I could tell his life was rough. Animals often amaze us with their resiliency, but I am often left wondering how much of that is just projection. I suppose we’ll never know and that enigma is perhaps part of the charm, but it makes knowing what is right in these circumstances all the more difficult. Maybe he really didn’t want to be alive at all, even back then.
He was definitely getting worse, his body continued to contort itself further as time went on. I saw him a couple of months ago and I wasn’t even sure if the techniques I had learned last year would still be useable.
The vet told her it was 100% without question the right thing to do, as he was surely in tremendous pain. But I also wonder if that’s just something they always have to say to make the crying pet owner feel better about the predicament they find themselves in.
Even without this particular piece of difficult news, I always feel a bit down after speaking to family on the phone. I know it’s not what most people describe, which is that words from loved ones spark their spirits or reinvigorate them. For me, after the call is done, I am suddenly very aware of the distance and the absence. Maybe it’s just easier for me to not be reminded of how far away I am from most of the people I love.
Aside from the call, just the typical little things dragged me down. Poor sleep, annoying bad weather. Like the past three or four days, it was gray all day with a light mist that isn’t even real rain but somehow is still enough to keep you from going out and doing anything easily. Work brought annoyances, too, some expected and some unexpected. I brought home a pile of paperwork I have to do and I can’t even bring myself to look at it right now.
I suppose the only saving grace is that tomorrow, the good day/bad day dichotomy resets and there’s at least a chance of the coin toss coming up good. A coin toss might be a bad comparison as that implies a 50/50 chance of good or bad. I feel like it’s weighted a bit heavier towards bad right now, especially if this weather continues. But hey, at least there’s a chance.
There I go, indulging in false positivity. Hmm, well, forget it. Not dead, FYI.