a manifesto of tangible existence.
It is Saturday, November ninth, the year of our lord 2024. I feel like it must be said to start things off: I’m not dead, FYI. (Ooh, he said the thing!)
I didn’t know how else to get this site started. Starting a new blog in 2024, especially one that is basically just black text on a white page, seems anachronistic. So I thought it best to start with some sort of explanation, if only for myself. Why am I even doing this?
This year, I have experienced tremendous loss that I am still contending with. I have been relatively blessed throughout my years to lead a life largely unaffected by such pains. I don’t feel like I’ve been dealt the short end of the stick or anything, but that is small comfort. If only trauma obeyed logic and objective fact.
I’ve been thinking a lot about life and death. More than usual, anyway. What it means to be, well, not dead. I have said it to myself many times in the past few months, “at least I’m still alive. I’m here. Not dead.” It’s true. Look, I’m typing these words right now. I’m here, able to affect and change the world even if only by altering the electrons flying around in the machine to tell it to produce the text your eyes are glossing over right now.
On the other hand, if I’m being honest, at times I have considered the other, darker interpretation of “not dead, FYI.” A sigh, if not a lamentation. At times, I’ll admit, it feels like I have no reason to keep going. Like I’m just stuck here in life. I struggle to find any purpose, and if I’m running out the clock, there’s no point to make any more plays or even call a time out. If the buzzer signals the end, good, no need to worry about anything anymore.
Happy, cheerful stuff, right? I actually don’t think my thoughts are that bleak, but I must admit that there are two sides to the coin. The negative thoughts often revolve around purpose, or a lack thereof, and that’s part of what this blog aims to remedy.
As silly as it may sound, I feel like putting something out into the world is a form of purpose. I’m under no illusions of potential readership, I don’t plan on promoting this or anything. These words will probably be read by myself, the robots scraping the web, and no one else. That’s fine. At least they’re here. They exist.
Thus by writing here I hope to not only make an occasional announcement to the world that, indeed, I am NOT DEAD, FYI, but to also give myself a reason to remain not dead (FYI).
As to what I plan to write about, I really have no idea beyond just typical personal journal-type stuff that I might want to share with the world. I keep a very extensive private journal already, which is all well and good, but those words never leave the pages beyond which they are written upon.
I actually used to write my journal very publicly. As in, it was at my full legal name dot com. A simpler, naive time, decades ago at this point. Even though what I wrote was largely milquetoast, when it came time to get a job, and as identity information became something to be mindful of, I decided to shutter it.
So this time around, I’m going to try and be more mindful of those considerations. I’m not going to be hyper-paranoid about it, as I know a determined individual can figure out who anyone is online. Regardless, I’ll likely end up writing nothing too controversial anyway.
In other words, I have no idea what I’m really going to write here. But I will write something. As a tangible, public affirmation that I exist. That I’m still here and I’m trying to create some kind of purpose with the time I’ve got left.
This blog exists, these words exist. So do I. Not dead, FYI.